DEE F
05-08-2007, 03:56 PM
> Some of Tommy Cooper’s classic jokes for you (for
> those who can remember
> him)
>
>
> 1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you’d
> think at least
> one of them would have seen it.
>
> 2. Phone answering machine message - “...If you
> want to buy
> marijuana, press the hash key...”
>
>
> 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only
> Clingfilm for
> Shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see
> you’re nuts.”
>
> 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the
> Other day but I couldn’t find
> Any.
>
> 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet
> Him 50 quid that
> He couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He
> said, “No, the steaks are
> too high.”
>
> 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong
> Currant pulled
> Him in.
>
> 7. A man came round in hospital after a serious
> Accident. He
> shouted,
> “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The
> Doctor replied, “I know you
> can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.
>
>
> 8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled
> A muscle.
>
> 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They
> lit a fire in
> The craft, it sank, proving once and for all that
> You can’t have your
> kayak and heat it.
>
> 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor
> Of his van
> covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say
> That he topped himself.
>
> 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry
> growing out of his
> Head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on
> it.”
>
>
> 12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass
> of Home’ “That sounds
> like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘Is it common?’ “It’s not
> unusual.”
>
> 13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog
> is cross-eyed,
> is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,”
> said the vet, “let’s have a
> look at him” So he picks the dog
> up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
> Finally, he says, “I’m
> going to have to put him down.” “What? Because
> he’s cross-eyed? “No,
> because he’s really heavy”
>
>
> 14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a
> cricket ball stuckup my
> backside.”“How’s that?” “Don’t you start.”
>
>
> 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
>
> 16 . What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
>
> 17 . So I was getting into my car, and this bloke
> says to me “Can
> you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great,
> the world’s your
> oyster,go for it.’
>
>
> 18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are
> Chinese. There are 5
> people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s
> either my mum or
> my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger
> Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I
> think its Colin.
>
>
> 19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other
> “Your round.” The
> other one says “So are you, you fat bast**d!”
>
> 20 . Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was
> drinking battery
> acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They
> charged one and let the
> other one off.
>
> 21. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on
> my driving
> today.They left a little note on the windscreen. It
> said, ‘Parking Fine.’
> So
> that was nice.”
>
> 22 . A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve
> hurt my arm in several
> places” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there
> anymore”
>
> 23. Ireland ‘s worst air disaster occurred early
> this morning when a small
> two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
> Irish search and
> rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far
> and expect that numberto
> climb as digging continues into the night
Just thought I would cheer you all up:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Love Dee xxx
> those who can remember
> him)
>
>
> 1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you’d
> think at least
> one of them would have seen it.
>
> 2. Phone answering machine message - “...If you
> want to buy
> marijuana, press the hash key...”
>
>
> 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only
> Clingfilm for
> Shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see
> you’re nuts.”
>
> 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the
> Other day but I couldn’t find
> Any.
>
> 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet
> Him 50 quid that
> He couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He
> said, “No, the steaks are
> too high.”
>
> 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong
> Currant pulled
> Him in.
>
> 7. A man came round in hospital after a serious
> Accident. He
> shouted,
> “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The
> Doctor replied, “I know you
> can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.
>
>
> 8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled
> A muscle.
>
> 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They
> lit a fire in
> The craft, it sank, proving once and for all that
> You can’t have your
> kayak and heat it.
>
> 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor
> Of his van
> covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say
> That he topped himself.
>
> 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry
> growing out of his
> Head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on
> it.”
>
>
> 12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass
> of Home’ “That sounds
> like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘Is it common?’ “It’s not
> unusual.”
>
> 13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog
> is cross-eyed,
> is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,”
> said the vet, “let’s have a
> look at him” So he picks the dog
> up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
> Finally, he says, “I’m
> going to have to put him down.” “What? Because
> he’s cross-eyed? “No,
> because he’s really heavy”
>
>
> 14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a
> cricket ball stuckup my
> backside.”“How’s that?” “Don’t you start.”
>
>
> 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
>
> 16 . What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
>
> 17 . So I was getting into my car, and this bloke
> says to me “Can
> you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great,
> the world’s your
> oyster,go for it.’
>
>
> 18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are
> Chinese. There are 5
> people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s
> either my mum or
> my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger
> Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I
> think its Colin.
>
>
> 19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other
> “Your round.” The
> other one says “So are you, you fat bast**d!”
>
> 20 . Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was
> drinking battery
> acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They
> charged one and let the
> other one off.
>
> 21. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on
> my driving
> today.They left a little note on the windscreen. It
> said, ‘Parking Fine.’
> So
> that was nice.”
>
> 22 . A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve
> hurt my arm in several
> places” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there
> anymore”
>
> 23. Ireland ‘s worst air disaster occurred early
> this morning when a small
> two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
> Irish search and
> rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far
> and expect that numberto
> climb as digging continues into the night
Just thought I would cheer you all up:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Love Dee xxx