humour

[grumps]

A woman, standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband
'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment.'
He replies 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

---------------------------

Wife gets naked and asks hubby
'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies 'Your sense of humour!'

-------------------------

An elderly couple was attending Mass.
About halfway through, the husband leans over and says to his wife
'I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?'
She responds 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[grumps]

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts "This is a raid – Everyone get on the floor!!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava.

The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. "Did anybody else here see my face?".

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..


"I think my missus caught a glimpse...."

[kirtida8]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redheadsitting at the next table.. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and
he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .






Wait for it. .









It's coming. .







The suspense is killing you, isn't it?








She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[Susie]

Oh Grumps and Kay,

What you like? you have both made me spit my tea all over my keyboard :)

[kirtida8]

Glad to be of service Sue LOL

[anniefromessex]

Nice one guys - I think we all need a laugh!

Love Anniexxx

[kirtida8]

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a
> helicopter. 10 men and 1 woman.
>
> The rope was not strong enough to carry them all,
> so they decided that one had to leave,
> because otherwise they were all going to fall.
>
> They weren't able to choose that person, until
> the woman gave a very touching speech.
>
> She said that she would voluntarily let go of the
> rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up
> everything for her husband and kids or for men in general,
> and was used to always making sacrifices with little in
> return.
>
> As soon as she finished her speech, all the men
> started clapping
Damn women are smart.... ;)

[Steve in clermont]

what a great thread .... very funny

[grumps]

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Bisquit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore...

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.